Idiots from the Fifth Dimension
by Seldavia
Summary: Ganon from the cartoon series transports Ganondorf from Twilight Princess to his world. Can Ganondorf find his way home before the inhabitants of this world drive him insane?
1. Evil Plot Device

"Finally!" Ganon held aloft a strange object that looked like a metal toilet plunger. "So many times have I failed to obtain the Triforce. I am just not evil enough to wrest it from the hands of the Princess and her Hero! With this Evil Plot Device, I will summon a much darker, more evil version of myself to seize it _for_ me! Ah ha ha ha ha!"

Ganon stuck it up against the side of his Triforce of Power. "Oh, Evil Plot Device, bring to me one of such deep evil, such terrible darkness, that even I would tremble in his presence!"

A blinding blue light appeared next to him, and when it faded away, a tall, heavy-built man stood in his place. The man was dressed in black armor and cloak, with red hair entwined around a small thorny crown. He looked about him in consternation, his eyes resting upon the brightly colored, poorly drawn underworld and its inhabitants. "Eh? What is this place? The Amazing Technicolor Dungeon?"

"O great evil one!" Ganon greeted him. "With you as my servant, the Triforce is mine!"

"What?" he leaned down and squinted at Ganon's piglike face. "Ye gods, you look like me when I first tried that transformation spell. Who are you, Mr. Piggy, and what makes you think I'll serve you?"

Ganon spread his arms as if it were obvious. "I summoned you here using the Triforce of Power! You are a version of me, from another dimension! You will bring to me the Triforce of Wisdom, so that I may rule over Hyrule!"

"Stop yelling all your lines. Okay, three things. One, I serve nobody. Two, you're a goofball. Three, get me back home where I belong."

"But, but…" Ganon stuttered. "You are a version of me! You don't want to rule Hyrule?"

"If your Hyrule is as stupid-looking as this place, no. What did you use to bring me here?" Ganondorf's eyes rested on the Evil Plot Device and he placed his hand upon it.

"No!" Ganon grabbed it and tried to wrest it from Ganondorf's hands. It split into two, and he laughed in triumph. "Now you _have_ to stay here!"

"Forget it." He snatched the pieces from Ganon's hands. "I'll find Zelda and the Triforce of Wisdom, all right…maybe they can tell me how to get home." He unleashed a powerful spell that turned the room to the left of them into a bubbling pit of lava, save for one little stone in the middle. Then he picked up the Triforce of Power and threw it onto the little stone. "That's to make sure you don't try to follow me."

Ganon wringed his hands for a few moments, then cried to his minions, "Don't just stand there! Fetch it for me!" They obeyed, only to be swallowed up by the lava.

"That'll buy me a few good hours, at least," Ganondorf said, and walked out of the room, ignoring Ganon's protests.

He wandered around the dungeon for a while, then got fed up trying to find his way out and blasted a few new doors in the walls. Eventually he reached the surface and took a good look around.

"Everything's as garish up top as it is down below…maybe even more so. Oh well, there has to be somebody around here who knows where I can find Zelda." He began walking to the west.

Soon he came upon a young woman on a picnic blanket, wearing a funny-looking purple vest, high-topped shoes, and a short skirt. She seemed to have enough hair for two people, and was grumbling about someone who was supposed to meet her but had decided to sleep in. "Excuse me, Miss," he said.

She stared, then jumped up in a defensive position. "Get away from me!"

He raised his hands in a gesture of non-aggression, trying to play down his fearsome appearance. "I'm just a lost traveler looking for directions. Do you know where I can find Hyrule Castle?"

He pointed to the south, looking at him suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"

"I'm trying to get home but don't know the way. I intend to ask Princess Zelda."

She brightened. "Oh, I'm Zelda. You can ask me."

He stared, silent for several moments. Then he turned back the way he came. "Never mind, I'll ask someone else."

"What? Don't you believe me?"

He turned back and frowned at her. "Why would the keeper of the Triforce of Wisdom be sitting on a picnic blanket so far from the castle? And I know it sounds strange coming from me, but those clothes…"

She scowled. "What's wrong with my clothes? And I don't carry the Triforce around with me, it's back at the castle."

Ganondorf opened his mouth to say more, but he was startled by a yell and someone fell out of a tree onto his shoulders. "Back, evil one, or I shall slay you where you stand!"

Ganondorf slapped at the attacker like he would a mosquito, and a young man fell on the grass. "Owww! So you play dirty, you fiend? I'll…"

"Relax, the ground broke your fall." Zelda offered her hand to help him up. "False alarm, Link. This guy's just a lost traveler."

"Link?" Ganondorf stared at the young man like he might a three-legged chicken or a square egg. "You're kind of dressed like him, but you seem…stupid."

Link drew his sword. "Oh yeah? I challenge you to a fight!"

Zelda smacked him. "Stop acting so macho. You know I hate that."

Ganondorf threw up his hands in exasperation. "Look, kid, I'm sorry if I insulted your honor or whatever. I just want to get home."

"Where are you from?" Zelda asked. "Is it near Hyrule?"

"Er…um…" Ganondorf puzzled over how to explain this. "The place where I come from is also called Hyrule, by some strange coincidence…"

"How did you get here?" Link demanded.

Ganondorf displayed the Evil Plot Device. "Some half-wit calling himself Ganon summoned me here with this."

They both eyed him suspiciously. "Why would he want to summon you? What's your name?" Zelda demanded.

Out of ideas, Ganondorf said, "It's Ganondorf. That fool said I was a version of him from another dimension, but I don't see the resemblance…"

His explanation was cut short as Link collapsed into giggles. "Ganon-dork! Ha ha ha ha!"

"So you're looking for the Triforce of Wisdom, eh? Well, we won't let you have it!" Zelda declared.

"I don't _want_ it," Ganondorf snapped. "Your Ganon is lame, his Triforce of Power is lame, you two are lame, and by proxy, your Triforce of Wisdom must be lame. This whole version of Hyrule is lame. I want to get back home where I belong."

Open-mouthed, Link shot back, "We're _not_ lame!"

Zelda frowned. "Why should we help you? You must be just as evil as Ganon, if not more so."

"All the more reason to help me. Do you really want _two_ evil villains in your world? I just want to get out of here as soon as possible."

Link and Zelda looked at each other. "Well…okay," Link said finally, "but if you try to double-cross us, you're going to get the pounding of a lifetime!"

"I'm sure," Ganondorf said, unconvinced. "Let's get a move on, huh?"

-&-

"So, what if we were both trapped on a desert island with no food and sixty Moblins _and_ I managed to find a raft to get us home?" Link demanded of Zelda as the three of them climbed the steps of Hyrule Castle. "_Then_ would I get a kiss?"

"No," Zelda replied.

"Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess."

Ganondorf grabbed Link's tunic, his jaw hurting from grinding his teeth for the past hour. "Okay, you need to stop that. You've said that stupid phrase _sixteen_ times since we left the woods. If you say it one more time, I'm going to _throttle_ you."

Zelda snickered. "Go ahead."

Link struggled, finally freeing himself. "Hey!"

Before they could begin an argument, a piece of parchment came flying toward them. On closer inspection, Ganondorf could see a tiny fairy was carrying it. "Link! Zelda!" she exclaimed.

"Spryte! Is something wrong?" Link asked.

"Ganon's minions have stolen the Triforce! They left this weird note!"

"Of course," Ganondorf grumbled as the other two gasped in horror.

Link and Zelda poured over the note. Zelda looked up and offered it to Ganondorf. "It's addressed to you."

He took it and began to read aloud. "Ha ha ha ha…ha ha ha…okay, let's skip a bit…I have taken the Triforce of Wisdom and hidden it so you cannot return. Now I will rule over Hyrule and if you know what's good for you, you will help me enforce my rule." Ganondorf rolled his eyes to the sky. "That idiot. I'll just find the thing myself." He turned and began walking down the steps.

"Where are you going?" Link demanded. "We don't know where the Triforce is!"

"Knowing that doofus, he probably hid it under his mattress," Ganondorf called over his shoulder. "Are you coming with me, or what? I don't really need you, but you know this place better than I do…and I expect you want that thing back."


	2. Several Bad Puns Later

Spryte sat happily on the warlord's shoulders, swinging her feet as she carried on a one-sided conversation. "And Zelda really cares about Link, but he overdoes it so often that sometimes he gets on her nerves, and I like him a lot but for some reason he doesn't notice me, even though I help him all the time and keep stupid Zelda's room clean, and sometimes I just wish they'd get it over with so I could quit hoping…"

Ganondorf groaned inwardly. He had hoped that if he ignored her she would go away, but apparently that wasn't working. "What makes you think I have any interest in _any_ of this?" he demanded.

She stared at him as if it were obvious. "Well, you're helping them get the Triforce back, so I figured…"

"For the last time, I am not 'helping'. I just want to find the thing so it can tell me how to get home. I do _not_ want to play matchmaker for that pair of idiots."

Glancing behind her shoulder, she commented, "Well, if you want them to help you find it, maybe you should help them fight a bit."

He turned around to see Link and Zelda battling a gang of baddies. The creatures were avoiding Ganondorf, probably because Ganon had ordered them to leave him alone. "I'm sure they can handle themselves," he said with an indifferent shrug, and kept going.

"At least slow down a little!" Spryte yelled. "Why are you walking so fast?"

Zelda seized a mummy's wrapping and pulled hard. "Time to go for a spin!"

Ganondorf cringed. "Isn't it obvious?"

Several bad puns later, they arrived at the dungeon where Ganondorf had been summoned. "Why are we back _here_?" Link demanded. "This is where we first started! Ganon said he hid the Triforce somewhere far away!"

"Oh, you caught onto that, did you?" Ganondorf snorted. "Well, I maintain my hypothesis that he keeps it under the mattress. Besides, I don't intend to go tromping all over Hyrule to find the thing. I figure I'll just ask."

Eyes wide, Zelda asked, "Do you really think he'd tell you?"

"The way _I_ intend to ask him, he will."

He led them through the path he'd blasted and stomped into Ganon's lair. "All right, Mr. Piggy, where are you?"

Ganon peeked around a corner, then jumped out gleefully, clapping his hands. "You returned…and you brought me two prisoners!"

"Huh?" Ganondorf looked around to see Link and Zelda backing away. "Oh. Sure, whatever. Take 'em off my hands, they're driving me nuts."

Several armed soldiers appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the pair, pinning their hands behind their backs.

Spryte started pummeling him with her tiny fists. "You traitor!"

He picked her up by the wings and stuffed her under Link's hat. "I was never on your side to begin with. Now, Mr. Piggy, where's my ticket home? I mean, if you've got these two, you don't need my help keeping control of Hyrule, do you?"

Crestfallen, Ganon said, "Won't you please stay? I don't think you have control in your world…"

"I'd rather spend the rest of my days rotting in the castle dungeons than five more minutes in this crazy place. Where is the blasted Triforce?"

"Just wait one moment," Ganon said as he tied the hero and heroine to separate tables. "I need to make sure I eliminate these two forever!"

Ganondorf looked around at the array of silly contraptions hanging around them. "Using what? An easily escapable and exotic death?"

"Link, yes. Perhaps I'll take the pretty Princess as my bride…"

"Think again, pigface!" Zelda shouted.

"Ugh. Hate to think what the kids would look like." With a couple strides and a sweep of his hand, Ganondorf freed Link and moved toward Zelda. "This is getting stupid. I'm taking them back until you tell me where the Triforce is."

"No, no!" Ganon exclaimed, horrified, as Ganondorf freed Zelda. "You're ruining my triumphant moment!"

Holding each person under an arm, Ganondorf demanded, "Tell me where the Triforce is!"

"Oh, fine," Ganon grumbled. "I hid it in the desert."

Ganondorf scowled. "You're going to have to be more specific than that."

"I hid it in a dungeon in the desert."

"_Where?!_"

"Um…I don't remember exactly…it's kind of a maze…" He looked longingly at his two sworn enemies. "Can I have them back now?"

"Forget it. I doubt you can even work the thing. I'm taking Fishbait here with me," he stated as he lifted Link slightly, "and the Triforce's guardian as well, in case it gives me some loony answer like clicking my heels three times." With that, he turned and walked back out of the dungeon.

-&-

Once out, Ganondorf untied them and gave Link a little shove. "Okay, kid, which way to the desert?"

"There's no way I'm helping _you_!" Link declared as Spryte crawled out from under his hat. "You handed us over to Ganon!"

"Look, if you couldn't defeat that idiot yourself, you shouldn't call yourself a hero. Now where is the desert?"

Link looked at Zelda, expecting her to back him up. Skeptical, she asked, "How can we trust you?"

Ganondorf suppressed the urge to smack his forehead. "You probably can't, but use a little logic, please. We're moving _away_ from Ganon. I want to use the Triforce to get _home_, as I've stated _several_ times. Once I use it to do so, you can take it back. Everybody's happy except for Mr. Piggy back there, and I'm sure you won't mind if we hurt his feelings. Deal?"

"Deal," said Link, and they shook on it.


	3. Ganon broke the Triforce

Ganondorf ensured that Link walked ahead of them. This was partly because Link was the only one who knew the way to the desert temple, but also because Ganondorf figured he was most easily spared as cannon fodder should they run into any trouble.

Link, of course, took this to mean that he was spearheading this mission and rode that interpretation into the ground. He swung his sword around, attempting fancy moves and periodically looking over his shoulder to see if Zelda was watching. "Dum da de dum, doo dee da da de dum, dat dat dat dee dah…"

Ganondorf pressed his hand to his temple. _For the love of Hyrule…he's singing his own __**background music**__…_

"Will you knock it off?!" Ganondorf demanded after about a mile or so of this.

Link simply sniffed at him, then continued his routine sans music.

"Look out!" Zelda exclaimed, so loud that she must have alerted everything within shouting distance that hadn't already heard Link. A series of sword-wielding skeletons rose up to meet them. Link dived into battle, followed by Zelda with bow and arrow. Ganondorf simply stood and watched until they were finished.

"Little help?" Link demanded, gasping for breath.

"And ruin your heroic moment? Goodness, no," Ganondorf chuckled. "Though, from now on, you might only want to swing your sword until you have to."

Link sheathed his sword and pouted the rest of the way to the desert temple. Ganondorf had to admit Link was good for something; there wasn't much left but a few stones and stairs leading downward. He shuddered to think how long it would have taken him to find it.

"It sure is dark in here," Zelda observed.

Link dug into the pockets of his tunic. "I think I have some candles somewhere."

Ganondorf opened his hand and a little red flame bloomed up from it. "Don't bother."

"That's amazing!" Zelda exclaimed.

Shrugging, Ganondorf said, "It's just a simple spell."

They walked through the dungeon, occasionally taking down bats or random skeletons. Once again Link proved he was not completely worthless; he seemed to catch on to the strange lock puzzles in the dungeon better than the others. _Still_, Ganondorf thought to himself, _his double back home would give him more than a run for his money…_

"I think we're close!" Link exclaimed. His yell echoed throughout the chamber, and awakened the guardian of the temple. A giant knight in black armor appeared out of nowhere and charged him.

Link fought the knight while the other two stood on the sidelines: Zelda with her hands to her mouth, and Ganondorf leaning casually against the wall. "I told you not to swing your sword around for no reason," Ganondorf called to him as he began to take on damage.

"Oh yeah?" Link demanded between gasps. "Think you could do better?" He ran back to them, the knight hovering close to the next door, and offered his sword to Ganondorf.

Putting up his hands, Ganondorf said, "I don't think that would be a good idea…"

Link grinned wide, vindicated. "'Smatter? Scared?"

"No…the Link in my dimension wields a sword that repels evil. In other words, if I touch it it'll burn my hands off. Does yours do that?"

Zelda shook her head. "I wish we had one that did. It would make things easier." She took the sword and handed it to Ganondorf.

He hefted it in his hand, swung it a few times (it was more like a short sword for him), and charged the knight. After seven strokes the knight was defeated.

Zelda's eyes went wide. "That was _fantastic!_ I don't think I've ever seen Link beat one of those that fast!"

Link snatched his sword back. "Yeah, well…beginner's luck."

Zelda walked up to Ganondorf and touched his arm. "Why don't you stay with us? You'd be a real asset to the kingdom…"

He stared at her. "Do you even listen to me? I want out of here. Besides, didn't I just get through telling you about the evil and the third-degree burns?"

Spryte flew up to him and landed on his shoulder. "Aw, I bet you're not really evil. You're just a big softie inside!"

Ganondorf cringed, gritting his teeth. "Please, do _not_ tempt me to prove you wrong."

"Yeah, well, case closed, the guy isn't suited for us." Link opened the door and they stepped inside. On a plinth in the middle of the room rested the Triforce of Wisdom.

"_Finally._" With a sigh of relief, Ganondorf walked up to it. "How do I get home?"

"Outlook hazy. Ask again later," it replied.

"_What?!_"

"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plains."

Zelda blinked. "What's wrong with it?"

"My milk supply must not deplete, for that would mean the end of the world. Must have two percent milk!"

Ganondorf scowled so deeply his face folded into deep lines. "Stupid thing's busted."

Suddenly Zelda had a revelation. "It must have become corrupted when Ganon touched it! We have to bring it back to Hyrule Castle."

This time Ganondorf did smack himself in the forehead. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"We need to carry it back." Zelda turned to Ganondorf.

"Don't look at me," he said. "If it got that screwy when Ganon touched it, I'll probably make it explode."

Zelda turned to Link.

He rolled his eyes. "_Fine_," he groaned, then hefted it off the plinth. "Whatever you say, Your Majesty."

As they walked back to the castle, Zelda chattered alongside Ganondorf as Link hung back, puffing as he carried the weight of the huge golden triangle. "So, what are Link and Zelda in your world like? Is Link handsome and heroic?"

Ganondorf frowned. "I suppose…I wouldn't really take notice…"

"Is he more mature?"

"_Much_ more so."

Zelda sighed. "What I wouldn't give to meet him…though I have to admit, _you're_ pretty good-looking too…"

He tried to conceal his look of horror. "Um…no offense…but I don't think you're my type…"

She sniffed. "I suppose your Zelda is prettier than me."

Ganondorf didn't hide his grin. "Prettier…smarter…more competent…"

"Hmph!" Zelda stuck her nose in the air.

"Hey!" Link yelled from maybe twenty yards behind. "Wait up!"


	4. Seeing Double

As they neared the castle, they sensed something was wrong. It could have been the giant, black, ominous clouds surrounding the towers. It could have been the distinct lack of people in the neighboring town. It could have been the legions of monsters roaming the streets. But the most telling indication was the very small but intense lightning storm surrounding one particular tower, where Ganon was apparently having a fit of maniacal laughter.

Zelda fell to her knees and raised her hand to her temple in a show of dramatic malaise. "Ganon has seized the castle and taken over Hyrule! Our worst nightmare has begun! What are we to do?"

Link had one answer for everything. "We kick his butt!" he exclaimed. "Here, hold this." He dumped the broken icon into Zelda's lap.

"Are you taking any prescription medication?" it asked.

"Onward!" Link shouted, holding his sword aloft. He rushed forward and slammed headfirst into a Moblin, then fell flat on his back.

"Unh." Ganondorf ran his hand down his face in a show of pathos. "Is it just me, or is that Triforce actually making you stupider?" He took out the Evil Plot Device, placed the two halves together, and after a moment of intense concentration, fused the two pieces together. "If you want something done well, you gotta do it yourself. Come on, you two." He pushed Zelda forward and dragged the dazed Link behind him, punting the offending Moblin a good hundred yards to the northwest.

Ganondorf elbowed would-be enemies out of the way. "Excuse me," he muttered to a gaggle of skeletons. "Coming through," he called as he waved away a set of dark knights. Those that dared to interfere were either assailed by Link's sword and a string of one-liners, or Ganondorf's boot. As they neared the castle stairs, the crowd of foes ran when they saw them coming.

Once at the door, Zelda rushed upstairs. "I have to find my father!" she exclaimed. Link glanced between Ganondorf and the stairs, trying to determine which route held more promise.

Ganondorf shrugged. "They're probably in the same place," he theorized. "He seems like the type of guy to tie up the King and give a long monologue about his imminent demise. Let's go find that tower he so thoughtfully decorated with stormclouds." Link followed eagerly.

Ganon was still laughing when the two of them reached the top of the tower. He was also wet from all the rain. "So, now you see I am superior to you, as I have accomplished what you have never been able to do!" He sneezed.

Ganondorf scratched his chin, looking at the portly, white-haired King staring at him with a blank expression, the old man tied to a rather rickety-looking chair. After several minutes, he said, "You know, that statement is so stupid- not to mention completely _wrong_ - that I can't even think up a proper comeback. I guess I'll just have to let my actions speak for me." Without blinking an eye, he balled up his fist and sent Ganon flying across the room.

"Father!" Zelda exclaimed, rushing to the old man's side and untying him.

"Awww, I didn't get to do anything," Link muttered, looking at Ganon's unconscious form on the floor.

Ganondorf stuck the Evil Plot Device to the side of the Triforce of Power that Ganon had brought. "I can pretty well guess how he did this. I imagine he just touched it and thought of a more evil version of himself, and the Triforce did the rest."

Zelda ran to his side and embraced him, to both Ganondorf's and Link's chagrin. "Please don't go…you've done so much for us!"

"Not on your life. Now be quiet. I'm going to see if I can summon myself back." He motioned for her to set the Triforce of Wisdom next to it, then shut his eyes and concentrated.

Nothing happened.

Ganon sat up, rubbing his head. "What happened?" He caught sight of Ganondorf and started wailing. "No, no! That one's mine!"

"Link, do you mind?" Ganondorf grunted, intending for the young man to punch him again. Unfortunately, Link decided to chase him around the room, waving his sword. "Take it outside!"

Ganondorf folded his arms as Ganon's yells echoed up from the tower stairway. The King looked doubtfully at the other two. "Uh, am I free to go?"

"Yeah, shoo," Ganondorf muttered, and he was all too eager to comply.. "I wonder…if I could summon the Zelda from _my_ dimension, maybe she could figure out how to make the thing work." He turned to the Zelda standing behind him. "You don't mind explaining all this to her, do you? She probably won't believe a word I say."

Zelda pouted. "If I must."

"All right." He grasped the Evil Plot Device once more and attempted to think about Zelda, and only Zelda. It wasn't hard. A little smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and her counterpart scowled.

Suddenly a cacophony of smashings and bangs echoed from the stairway, and Ganon came running back into the room, with Link in hot pursuit. In a frenzy, Ganon started teleporting all over the crowded tower, and Link began firing at random.

One of the magic blades grazed Ganondorf's hand. "Link, you moron, stop that!" he roared. Suddenly a blinding light flashed before them, leaving behind another young man clad in green, blinking in surprise and bewilderment.

"Great." Ganondorf muttered. "Now we're all going to die. Look at what you made me do!" he snapped at Link, in the middle of delivering a series of noogies to Ganon.

The newcomer glanced around him in confusion, and the first thing he saw was Ganondorf flanked by two pieces of the Triforce. To him the conclusion was obvious.

Chaos ensued. The new Link leaped at Ganondorf, sword drawn. Ganondorf grabbed Ganon and held him in front of him, as Ganon squealed like…well, a pig. Zelda ran forward and pulled at the newcomer's tunic, while the other Link stared at him in amazement and accomplished exactly nothing.

It was Zelda's high-pitched screams in his ear that got his attention. Finally he stopped his assault, keeping his sword leveled at Ganondorf. "What are you doing here?" he demanded of the dark warlord. "Who are these people?"

Spryte popped out from under the other Link's hat. "Wow, you're even cuter than he let on!" she exclaimed.

Startled, Link stumbled back and bumped into the pedestal, slightly jarring both gold icons. "Watch where you're going!" they both shouted, followed by "Pppbbblllttt!"

Link's eyes nearly popped out of his head, and he slowly turned his head toward Ganondorf. "Did the Triforce of Wisdom just blow a big wet raspberry at me?"

"Triforce of Stupidity, actually. Don't touch it, you might catch its stupid."

Link stepped back as if afraid it would bite him.

Ganondorf pointed first to the newcomer and then to the other Link. "Okay, in order to prevent confusion, you're Smart Link and you're Stupid Link."

"Hey!" came the indignant shout from the corner of the room. "Why do I have to be Stupid Link?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Smart Link sheathed his sword and crossed his arms. "Why did you bring me to this strange place, you fiend?"

"I didn't intend to. I wouldn't wish this crazy place on my worst enemy, which, incidentally, you are," Ganondorf chuckled. "I was actually trying to summon Zelda, hoping she'd know a way out of here. I can't seem to find my way back, you see."

"If this place is so awful, why did you come here?"

"I didn't want to. _This_ idiot summoned me here." Ganondorf hauled Ganon to his feet and pulled his ear, eliciting a squeak. "Apparently, this is a parallel dimension of our own world. That doofus in the corner is your doppelganger, Mr. Piggy here is mine, and the fashion disaster hanging on your arm there is supposed to be Zelda."

Smart Link stared in disbelief at all three of them. Said Stupid Link, "He is _not_ better-looking than me."

"I see the problem," Smart Link said slowly. "What can I do to help?"

"Keep these nuts quiet. I need to concentrate to bring Zelda here." Ganondorf walked back to the Triforce and grasped the Evil Plot Device once more. He closed his eyes and concentrated. After a few moments, the room was once again filled with light and it winked out, leaving a blonde woman wearing an ornate dress with the Hylian royal family's crest woven in.

Stupid Link's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. "Wooooooowwwww…."

"Okay, explanation time," Ganondorf said as the young woman looked, startled, first at Smart Link and then at him. "Where to start…parallel dimension, summoned by a brainless version of me, can't get back…"

Smart Zelda examined the scene carefully. "I think I understand," she said slowly. "I'd heard there were other versions of Hyrule in the universe, though I've never seen evidence."

Ganondorf grinned appreciatively. "So nice to have someone competent on the case. All right, next problem…how do we get back?"

"And do we have to bring Ganondorf back?" Smart Link added in an aside.

To both their surprise, Smart Zelda nodded. "Staying too long in an alternate dimension would disrupt the very fabric of time and space."

"Ha ha," Ganondorf responded to Smart Link's scowl. "See the silver thing there, stuck to the Triforce of Power? That's what Ganon used to summon me here."

"Fear me!" Ganon yelled in an attempt to attract attention to himself. Nobody paid him any mind.

"Apparently, he broke the Triforce of Wisdom…that is, if it ever worked properly…when he touched it, so now it's broken," Ganondorf continued. "I was going to ask it how to get back, but I had to resort to bringing you here. I apologize for that in advance."

Zelda stepped closer to the Triforce of Wisdom, examining it carefully. Smart Link attempted to follow, instinctively trying to protect her from its brain-draining power, but Stupid Zelda held him firmly in place. As he tried to shake her off, Stupid Link walked in between them and began his own examination of the newcomer Princess.

Smart Zelda frowned, in deep thought, oblivious to the ogling pair of eyes next to her. "It's wrapped in a dark force…it's not evil, but…"

"Stupid?" Ganondorf suggested casually.

"Most likely."

Ganondorf pointed to the Evil Plot Device. "What about this thing? It brought us here…why can't we use it to get back?"

Zelda reached out to touch it, then flinched as if it had burned her. "I don't think I can use this…it is evil, as you said…"

Stupid Link snapped out of his torpor and said slowly, "So…maybe you need…a _Good_ Plot Device?"

They all stared at him.

"You know," said Smart Zelda, "that actually might be the case."

Stupid Link threw up his arms in triumph. "Yeeha! I'm number one!"

"Do you have such a thing?" Smart Link asked Stupid Zelda.

She scratched her head. "I believe so…I don't remember where…"

Smart Zelda spread her hands over the Triforce of Stupidity, and the mark on her hand glowed. "I can purify this one so that it can at least tell us where that is hidden." She concentrated, and a bright ball of energy surrounded the golden triangle for a few moments, then disappeared.

Stupid Zelda walked up to it. "Where can we find a Good Plot Device?"

"In the Dark Forest, beyond the Silver Mountains, lies a Temple with the item you seek," it replied serenely.

Ganondorf made a face. "It can never be something simple like 'look in the third drawer of the library cabinet', can it?"

"Well, let's go find it!" Stupid Link exclaimed.

"Who said you were coming?" Ganondorf demanded. "I have my own Link. I'm sure he's much more capable than you are at finding lost artifacts in temples, though that's not saying much…"

"_Your_ Link?" Smart Link demanded indignantly.

"Hey, this is _my_ Hyrule, remember?" Stupid Link shot back.

"_My_ Hyrule!" Stupid Zelda added. "I'm coming too!"

"Me too!" Ganon threw in.

Ganondorf shot a look at him and he cowered. "How about I just throw him out the window?"

"We mustn't interfere too much with the balance of this world," Smart Zelda cautioned him. "It could cause untold damage to ours."

Ganondorf scowled as Ganon stuck out his tongue at him. "All right, let's hurry up and get this over with."


	5. Getting to Know You, Wishing I Wasn't

Stupid Zelda watched, puzzled, as Smart Link turned around to look at his backside, then the floor. "What?" she demanded. "You forget something? I don't see a hole in your pants…"

"Midna's not here. Where'd she go?" he asked.

"Who's Midna?"

"Is she hot?" Stupid Link demanded. Stupid Zelda slapped him. "Well, excuuuuse me, P-urk!"

Several pairs of hands rushed to pry Ganondorf's hands off Stupid Link's neck. "I warned him," he said simply. After a few moments he dropped the young man to the floor. He turned to Smart Link. "I didn't intend to bring you here, remember? Stupid here was chasing Ganon around the room and broke my concentration. I wasn't even thinking about Midna. Do you really want to put her through this, anyway?"

Smart Link helped Stupid Link to his feet. "It can't really be that bad here. You're just being…"

"You want to bet on that?" Ganondorf leaned down close to him, very serious. "I give you twenty minutes before you begin wanting to do the same thing I did."

"Do it again!" Ganon urged.

Ganondorf sighed and turned to Smart Zelda. "Do we _have_ to bring Mr. Piggy with us? If you really want to get specific, this guy is supposed to be in his little dungeon with his piece of Triforce, plotting useless schemes. Can't we warp him over there or something?"

Zelda pondered this. "I think we can…it would take all three of us, though…"

"Yeah, that reminds me…why can't we just use the Triforce to warp back to our own dimension?"

"I considered that…but since it was a Plot Device that got us here, it will have to be a Plot Device that gets us back."

Scowling, Ganondorf muttered, "Why is it that whenever I manage to get all three pieces together, something bad happens?"

"What do you mean, three pieces?" Ganon demanded. "There's another?"

Ganondorf blinked. "Hey, that's right. Stupid Link, where's yours?"

"Stop calling me that!" Stupid Link patted himself down as if he expected to find a hereto-unknown golden triangle forgotten in his pocket. "Uh…I don't know…where's yours?"

The three otherworlders showed the backs of their hands. "It is contained within us. It does not take on a physical form unless it is whole," Smart Zelda explained.

Stupid Zelda scratched her head. "Power, Wisdom, and…what's the other one?"

"Courage," Smart Link informed her.

"What?!" Stupid Link stamped his foot. "I've got _plenty_ of courage. I'm stacked up to the hilt with courage! Why don't I have a piece?" he whined.

"I guess it's a fine line between courage and foolhardiness," Zelda said under her breath.

_In his case, more like a big, fat, glow-in-the-dark line_, Ganondorf thought. "Okay, Mr. Courage, would you mind holding Mr. Piggy down for us so we can get him out of your castle and back into his Amazing Technicolor Dungeon?"

Stupid Link jumped at the chance – quite high, as a matter of fact, and flattened Ganon down against the floor. Stupid Zelda happily copied him, knocking him on the head with the Triforce of Power.

"Join hands around them," Zelda instructed. Ganondof and Smart Link looked at each other dubiously but complied. "Can you give us a visual of the place you mentioned?"

Ganondorf concentrated. "It really _is_ a Technicolor dungeon," Smart Link muttered.

"Now envision him inside the place you see in your mind's eye." Even before Zelda finished speaking, the three on the floor were enveloped in a blue light, which disappeared along with Ganon and his Triforce.

Ganondorf and Smart Link hurriedly let go of each other; Smart Zelda had to shake Ganondor off. He clapped his hands together as if dusting them off. "Well, that's done…now, you two," he said to the pair on the floor, "Silver Mountains, Dark Forest temple…you know how to get there?"

The pair stood and brushed themselves off, both nodding at once. "The mountains are a good six hours' journey from here on horseback," Stupid Zelda said. "But maybe we should go tomorrow…It'll be dark before we get there…."

"What difference does _that_ make?" Ganondorf demanded. "Do I look like I'm afraid of the dark?"

"We're both comfortable traveling at night," Smart Link said, indicating both himself and Smart Zelda.

"You don't understand," Stupid Zelda said. "Strange things come out at night…"

"I'm _hungry_," Stupid Link whined.

Smart Zelda considered this. "It really would be best if we had something to eat, stocked up on supplies, and took a good rest before setting out."

Stupid Zelda clasped her hands together in excitement. "We can have a Heroes' Feast!"

Ganondorf sighed. "Well, if Smart Zelda says we should do it, I'll go with it. But I won't like it."

-&-

"Mmmmmffff…so good! I can't believe you guys just wanted to eat on the road!" Stupid Link shoveled potatoes into his mouth, then took a carnivorous chomping bite out of his steak. Shoving a plate of muffins in Smart Zelda's face, he demanded with a mouth full of food, "Wahnt thum?" Smart Zelda politely declined. "Is the food this good where you come from?"

Ill at ease, Smart Zelda replied, "Well, yes, there's plenty of good food at home…it's been a rather bad year for us though…"

"Why's that?" Stupid Link gulped down his cider.

"Well…" Smart Zelda looked out of the corner of her eye at Ganondorf, sitting opposite her on the other side of the table, watching Stupid Zelda pester Smart Link. The two Zeldas, as princesses, had been given the honor of sitting on each side of the King (whose table manners resembled Stupid Link's). Stupid Link had insisted on sitting next to Smart Zelda, and Stupid Zelda had practically pushed Smart Link into the chair next to her. Faced with two Links, Ganondorf had chosen the one less likely to drive him to violence. He had long since stopped eating, and seemed to be enjoying Smart Link's uncomfortable situation.

"So how have you and Zelda been together?" Stupid Zelda asked.

Smart Link put down his fork for the umpteenth time to answer her incessant questions. "Um…I'm not sure what you mean."

She giggled, a sound Ganondorf found homicide-inducing in itself. "Oh, you know what I mean. Are you two serious?"

"Uh…serious about what?"

"Your _relationship, _silly!"

Thoroughly stumped, Smart Link answered, "Well…I met Zelda under rather strange circumstances…kind of hard to explain…I haven't really known her for very long…"

Stupid Zelda's interest increased, and she leaned forward. "So you're _not_ in a serious relationship with her."

"What do you mean?"

Exasperated, Stupid Zelda demanded, "Is she your _girlfriend_?"

Smart Link turned the same shade of red as the wine on the table. As he attempted to stutter out a reply, Ganondorf pounded on the table and laughed.

Smart Link rounded on him. "What's your problem? What are you doing sitting next to me at a Hero's Feast, anyway?"

Still laughing, Ganondorf replied, "I don't know why they threw me in with the heroes. You have to admit it's pretty funny. Anyway, I'm just glad she's not hitting on _me_ anymore."

Smart Link's face morphed into an expression of horror and disbelief. "Yeah, that's pretty much how_ I_ felt," Ganondorf told him.

"A toast!" the King stood up, his wine glass aloft. "A toast to the ladies and gentlemen, heroes and heroines!"

"And Ganondorf," Smart Link added as an aside. Ganondorf kicked him under the table.

"May your journey be filled with adventures, that you will remember to the end of your days!" the King continued.

Ganondorf gulped down his wine. "Whatever you say. I'm going to forget it as soon as possible."

-&-

"I thought we were going to sleep," Smart Link said as Stupid Zelda pulled him, Smart Zelda, and Stupid Link into a library. She offered them the many comfortable chairs, sitting next to a roaring fire.

"We're going to be traveling together for a long time," Stupid Zelda explained, "so I thought we'd play a game to get to know each other better."

Stupid Link threw up his hands. "Yay! Truth or Dare!"

The other pair exchanged glances. "All right…how do we play?" Smart Zelda asked.

"We take turns asking and answering questions," Stupid Zelda explained. "When it's your turn, you have to tell the questioner 'truth' or 'dare'. If you say 'truth', you have to answer whatever question they give you. If you answer 'dare', you have to do whatever they tell you."

Both Smart Link and Zelda imagined with trepidation what this could mean.

"Me first!" Stupid Link turned his attention to Smart Zelda. "Which will it be…truth or dare?"

"Truth," Smart Zelda answered immediately.

Stupid Link couldn't conceal his disappointment, but asked, "Are you in love with Link?"

"I barely know him," Smart Zelda replied truthfully. Smart Link had a look on his face like they had both dodged a bullet.

"So are you available then?" Stupid Link demanded, but Smart Zelda elbowed him in the ribs.

"My turn. Smart Link…truth or dare?"

"Truth." _I'll lie if I have to_, he thought to himself.

"Are you in love with Zelda?"

"I barely know her." He parroted Smart Zelda's reply, but his face betrayed him. Both Stupid Link and Stupid Zelda squealed like schoolgirls.

The library door burst open and Ganondorf stomped in wearing a bathrobe, his hair in disarray. "_Will you shut up?!_" he roared. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"


	6. Ducky Pajamas and a Mob of Moblins

Smart Link sneaked out of his room, cautiously scanning the hall from side to side. He sidled up against the wall, occasionally hiding behind suits of armor, tiptoeing down the stairs and listening carefully before entering the next room.

"What's with the stealth moves?" he heard Ganondorf demand from inside the room.

"I'm hiding…" Smart Link peered carefully in the room, a small pantry, to make sure there was no one else other than the two of them.

"Hiding? That doesn't sound very heroic."

"Let me elaborate…I'm hiding from Stupid Zelda."

"Oh. That makes sense, actually. I came in here to get breakfast because I didn't want to deal with the entourage from last night." Crunching noisily on an apple, he pushed a bowl full of them toward Smart Link. "Get any sleep last night?"

For the first time Smart Link got a good look at Ganondorf and stopped in his tracks. The dark warlord had a head full of Shirley Temple ringlets. "Apparently not…I'm hallucinating…"

Spryte popped up from the back of Ganondorf's head. "I'm making his hair pretty!"

Smart Link couldn't speak; he just stared questioningly at Ganondorf and pointed.

"New coping strategy," Ganondorf said calmly. "I've decided that this is all a bad dream and I will eventually wake up as ruler of the real Hyrule. Oh, and you died in a nasty accident involving angry Cuccos. That or a misstep in boiling lava. The Cucco scenario is funnier."

"Uh huh." Smart Link cautiously took an apple. "Would that explain why you appeared last night in a bathrobe? You should watch what you do if you don't want Stupid Zelda hitting on you again…"

"Look, I didn't _plan_ to come here, so I certainly didn't get to _pack_ anything. I wasn't about to sleep in my armor, and of the two choices provided by the service here…well, I wasn't going to show up in yellow ducky pajamas, that's for sure."

"Fine, I don't really care, I just…" Smart Link paused. "Did you say yellow ducky pajamas?"

"I did."

Link looked like he had a lot of questions to ask about this, but the one that came out was, "They have those in your size?"

"Apparently so."

Whatever Smart Link had as an answer for this was cut off when Stupid Link walked in the room. "I was wondering where you guys were." He reached for the bowl of apples.

"That's one big black eye you've got going," Ganondorf observed, staring openly at Stupid Link's swollen face.

Stupid Link hunted through the pantry cupboards for bread. "Your Zelda caught me trying to sneak in her room."

"_WHAT?_" Smart Link's mouth nearly dropped to the floor. "Why would you do that?!"

Ganondorf chuckled. "Give him another black eye, Link!"

Stupid Link turned, puzzled, completely unimpressed with his crime. "I did it once with my Zelda and she didn't mind 'cuz I brought her flowers. Well, I guess 'sneaking' isn't the right term. I jumped in through the window. I thought she'd find it heroically charming."

"You know, you really shouldn't startle her," Ganondorf told him sagely. "Our Zelda may dress like a pretty princess, but she knows how to defend herself."

Smart Link stared, then turned back to Ganondorf. "We have _got_ to get out of this place and _away _from these people. I'll go see if I can find the other two Zeldas."

He ran back up the stairs, nearly slamming into Stupid Zelda. "Oh!" she exclaimed happily. "Can I talk to you? I really want to discuss something you mentioned last night…"

"Uh, in a hurry, um…bathroom. Gottagobye!" Smart Link disentangled her hands from his tunic and sprinted up the stairs. As he reached the guest bedrooms, he heard her squeal in delight and assumed she had discovered Spryte's makeover.

He knocked on Smart Zelda's door. "Who is it?" a testy voice demanded.

"It's me," Link answered. "Both Stupid Ones are downstairs pestering Ganondorf."

She opened the door with a sigh of relief. "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take."

He gave her a grim smile. "The battle is just beginning."

They walked slowly downstairs, not at all eager to meet up with the others. When they finally reached the pantry, they were surprised to see Spryte and Stupid Zelda pouting in a corner, Stupid Link with two black eyes, and Ganondorf as bald as an egg. "Coping strategy didn't work," he explained calmly as he bit into a second apple.

-&-

"All right, is everybody packed?" Smart Link asked as he secured his bedroll behind the saddle of one of the horses the King had loaned the group.

"My eyes are _killing_ me," Stupid Link whined.

"Whose fault is that?" Ganondorf demanded.

Stupid Link turned to Stupid Zelda. "I bet they'd feel better if you kissed them."

She scowled at his swollen face. "Eww, gross!"

Sighing, Smart Zelda said, "Sit down here and I'll heal them for you."

Stupid Link scrambled over to a hay bale in the stable and plunked himself down like a puppy expecting a biscuit. Smart Zelda touched his eyes quickly, briefly, and when she brought her hand away his eyes had gone back to normal.

"Wow, that's amazing," he said as he felt his face. He leaned forward. "Now I have to thank you…"

Smart Zelda sidestepped him. "You can thank me by getting ready." Stupid Link complied, pouting.

The entire castle turned out to see the party off. The three otherworlders looked around in puzzlement at the flying fairies and ticker-tape that had been somehow thrown into the equation, waving half-heartedly at the crowd cheering them on. "Well, I always figured the people of Hyrule castle would be happy to see me leave, but this isn't quite how I imagined it," Ganondorf quipped.

"Dearest!" the King called out to his daughter as they exited the gates. "If you go into Miko Village, don't forget to pick up another pair of Puddles the Duck jammies!"

-&-

"So I thought to myself, if the frog curse has to be lifted by a princess kissing Link, and Zelda won't do it, why can't I?" Spryte chattered happily as she flew alongside the dark warlord's head. "I'm a princess too you know…a fairy princess! So, I did it and he changed back!"

"Well, I guess I have to give Ganon credit for that one," Ganondorf admitted. "Stupid Link would probably still be a frog by now if it wasn't for you…though him being smaller and easily squishable would have been an improvement."

Spryte giggled. "You're such a kidder!"

"Sure." He glanced over at the other two. Stupid Zelda had gone back to pestering Smart Link, while Stupid Link contented himself with staring at Smart Zelda. With the others paired off, he was stuck with the chatty fairy.

Bored out of his mind and hoping to pass the time, he said, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you see in the guy?"

Bad idea. "Oh, you know, the whole heroic thing, and he's so cute, especially when he's on one of his damsel-in-distress rescue missions…I wish he'd do that with me but I can fly and fit into really small spaces so these situations don't really present themselves as often as I'd like…"

Ganondorf shut her out and concentrated on the landscape. Unfortunately it made him yearn even more deeply for the breathtaking beauty of his own world. He normally didn't pay attention to such things, but he had to wonder if the Goddesses in this world were just as dumb as their creations, or if they just had never been very good at art.

"…and then he does this really cute thing with his nose, you know, he just sort of wiggles it in his sleep and…"

"Okay, I get it." He cut the fairy off. "New topic, please. Uh, you ask something."

"Oh! Okay. Um…." A look of intense concentration crossed her face. "Do you like Zelda?"

"Pass. I've heard that one before."

"Darn. Okay…I think your Link's cute. Don't you?"

"What kind of stupid question is that?!" Ganondorf raised his hands. "Okay, ground rules. No questions about cuteness, dating, puppy-dog eyes or anything related to romance. Actually, just that one rule is fine. Well, go ahead, fire away."

Spryte looked blank. "Uh…."

"All right. Here's a good topic. I'm going to list all of the things I have planned for my Link should he ever get in a position where he can't defend himself. Number one…"

A few minutes later Spryte flew over and hid under Smart Link's hat. "Hey, wait, I haven't told you the one about the boiling oil yet!" Ganondorf yelled after her.

"Hi," Spryte greeted Smart Link, peeping out from under his hat.

"Hi," he replied.

"_Excuse_ me," Stupid Zelda groused. "We're talking here."

Smart Link seemed happy for the diversion. "You don't see many fairies back home," he told her. "I don't know many that talk, either. My predecessor, the Hero of Time, had one that followed him around, though. Do you follow your Link wherever he goes?"

"I try," Spryte replied, eliciting an exasperated sigh from Stupid Zelda. "He doesn't always let me, though. I don't know why he doesn't acknowledge my feelings for him…"

"What do you do, then, when you're not with him?"

"Oh, I stay at the castle, cleaning up after lazy ol' Zelda, dusting her stuff…"

Stupid Zelda folded her arms and huffed, and Smart Link scratched his head. "You dust her stuff?" he turned to Zelda. "Don't you have chambermaids or something?"

Sticking out her tongue at Spryte, Stupid Zelda replied, "I do, but she wanted an excuse to stay in the castle, to be around Link."

Smart Zelda had had enough of the stares from Stupid Link and nudged her horse around on the other side of Ganondorf, who smiled graciously. "Is this guy bothering you? You like I should do something about it?"

"Just stay between us, if you would please," Smart Zelda said between gritted teeth.

"Happy to oblige, Your Highness." Ganondorf nudged his black charger closer as Stupid Link attempted to get between them.

"Hey!" Stupid Link yelled. "I wanna talk to her!"

Ganondorf turned to Smart Zelda. "Want to switch places?" It was a rhetorical question. She shook her head. "The lady said no," Ganondorf told Link.

Stupid Link shoved Ganondorf. "Move it, fatso!"

Without batting an eye, Ganondorf seized his tunic, yanked him out of the saddle, and dumped him unceremoniously onto the ground. Stupid Link sat grumpily rubbing his backside for a few moments, then ran to catch up with the rest of them.

"What's that?" Smart Link asked, shading his eyes from the sun as he scanned the landscape. A huge dark mass appeared before them on the ground, with an undulating dark cloud hovering above it.

Smart Zelda squinted at the oncoming horde. "I think the flying things are a flock of Keese…the others are…bulldogs?"

"Moblins!" Stupid Link exclaimed, flopping himself over his horse in an attempt to get back into the saddle.

"Why are there so many of them?" Stupid Zelda demanded in a panic.

"If I had to guess," Ganondorf said gruffly, "I'd say Mr. Piggy is throwing a temper tantrum because we wouldn't let him tag along."

Stupid Link managed to seat himself in the saddle and pulled out his sword. "I'll handle this!" he yelled as he spurred his horse forward.

"No! You can't do it alone!" Stupid Zelda exclaimed in a rush of high drama. She drew her bow and arrows and rode forward.

Smart Link and Zelda looked at each other, then at Ganondorf. "I guess we should help them, huh?" Link asked.

Ganondorf yawned. "If we must."

Stupid Link fell off his horse upon contact with the Moblin horde. As he swung his sword at the massive pack of enemies, Stupid Zelda unleashed a torrent of arrows into the fray, nearly hitting him several times.

"Calm down!" Smart Link yelled to the pair. "We're going to help you!" He stared in surprise as one circular rush eliminated a good twenty of the bulldog-faced Moblins. Behind him, Smart Zelda fired her own arrows, just one passing through another twenty or so and making them disappear. Ganondorf sat idly in the saddle, swatting at Keese as if they were merely a swarm of mosquitoes.

"Whoa!" Smart Link exclaimed as Stupid Zelda nearly nailed his right arm. "Watch where you're firing those!"

"Uh, guys? Little help?!" Stupid Link cried out to the group as he disappeared under a gang of Moblins, Spryte attempting to pull him out by his hair.

"All right, enough goofing off." Ganondorf got off his horse and pulled Stupid Link from the grasp of his enemies. "Stand back, the rest of you. I'm going to show Ganon what being the bearer of the Triforce of Power _really_ means."

Smart Link and Zelda sprinted back behind him, the other pair following suit. Ganondorf made a motion with his arm vaguely like that of a baseball pitcher, and hurled a massive fireball into the fray. When the flash of light subsided, only scorched grass remained.

Stupid Link and Zelda stood with their mouths hanging open as Ganondorf nonchalantly mounted his horse. "Let's move on, shall we?"


	7. Hylian History for Dummies

"That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" Stupid Zelda exclaimed as she nudged her horse closer to Ganondorf. "Are you _sure _you won't stay with us? We'll give you a nice room in the castle…your own personal servants…food whenever you want it…"

"Hey, hey!" Stupid Link yelled. "_I'm_ the resident hero here! And you've never offered all that stuff to me!"

Stupid Zelda lifted her nose into the air. "You're sure not _acting_ like the resident hero. Nice job with those Moblins back there, by the way."

Stupid Link reddened. "Well, excuuu-_ow!_" He rubbed his face where Ganondorf had smacked him.

"Look, I know it's really, really hard for you guys to remember this for some reason," Ganondorf said calmly as if nothing had happened, "but I'm _not_ a nice guy. Okay? I curse people. And blow things up. And take over whole countries…" He moved away as Stupid Zelda nudged her horse still closer, casting a pleading glance over to Smart Link and Zelda. "C'mon, guys, back me up here."

Rolling his eyes, Smart Link said, "Gosh, where to start?"

"Are we counting all the things that you did to my great-grandparents and the Hero of Time?" Zelda asked.

"Yeah, you know, all the insanity that got you stuck in the Twilight Realm for a hundred years?" Smart Link added.

Stupid Zelda suddenly looked less interested. "You're _how_ old?"

Ganondorf nodded to his two counterparts. "Yeah, go nuts."

"Okay…" Smart Zelda started ticking things off her fingers. "Even before he attempted to steal the Triforce, he tried to starve out the Gorons to get their key he needed…then afterward he tried to feed them to a dragon…"

"What're Gorons?" Stupid Link asked.

The three otherworlders stared at him. "They're big rock-people, you can't miss 'em. You never saw one?" Smart Link asked.

Both Stupid Zelda and Link shook their heads.

"What about Zora?" Ganondorf asked. "I suppose you don't have them either. Come to think of it, I've never seen anything here other than Hylians, except for Ganon…and I _know_ he's not Gerudo."

"What are Zora and Gerudo?" Stupid Zelda asked.

"Zora are…well, kind of like fish people, I suppose…" Smart Link attempted to explain.

Stupid Link's eyes lit up. "Like mermaids?"

"_No_," the three otherworlders said in unison.

"_I'm_ Gerudo," Ganondorf said, pointing to himself. "We are…or we were…a desert people." He thought for a moment. "You know, I never did figure out what happened to them all over the past hundred years…"

"They left," Smart Zelda informed him flatly. "They were sick of dealing with you as well as us, and quite frankly I can't blame them. Last I heard they said they were going to cross the Great Desert, to the land of their ancestors."

"That's too bad." Stupid Zelda turned back to Ganondorf. "Are all Gerudo men as handsome as you?"

"I wouldn't know. Gerudo are nearly all women. Only one male is born every hundred years." Immediately after saying this, Ganondorf smacked his forehead in anticipation of what was coming.

Stupid Link's mouth hung open to the ground. "Wow…I'd like to see that…"

Both Ganondorf and Stupid Zelda cuffed him this time.

"Anyway…" Smart Zelda interrupted, trying to prevent more violence, "he got the Zora princess trapped in the belly of a whale, then later froze them all out…"

"I didn't trap her," Ganondorf insisted. "She did that on her own, dropping that pendant or stone or whatever it was. I just made a fake note for the Hero to find…I figured, why go in after it when I can get him to do it? He already had that emerald one that talking tree gave him after I cursed it…"

"What were the jewels for?" Stupid Zelda asked. She wasn't sure what he meant about talking trees either, but the jewels seemed more straightforward.

"The Hylian Royal family came up with this convoluted plan to keep anyone from stealing the Triforce…for all the good it did them," Ganondorf explained. "Let's see if I can remember…you needed to bring all three jewels to the Temple of Time, then play that Ocarina…" he turned to Smart Zelda. "You know, your great-grandmother should never have let go of that thing. What was she thinking? _I_ couldn't play the ocarina. _I_ didn't know the tune you had to play. Throwing it to that little boy made things so much easier!"

Smart Zelda scowled at him. "What do you expect? She was what, twelve? I imagine she had a hard time thinking straight after seeing her father killed and then you coming after her!"

"She had Impa with her. She should have just left things in the Shekiah's hands, rather than getting the kid involved," Ganondorf insisted.

"Are you making an argument against your own conquest?" Smart Link asked him.

"No…just thinking out loud…"

"Go on with the story," Stupid Link urged.

"Well, anyway…the kid figured out how to get in there, so I just followed him," Ganondorf said. "But I didn't realize there was some hooha about needing to have a pure heart and blah blah blah so the thing ended up breaking into three pieces."

"Hooha what?" Stupid Link asked, scratching his head.

"So then seven years of evil rule followed," Smart Zelda said, picking up the story. "Like I said…feeding Gorons to dragons, freezing Zora, living dead walking the streets of the castle town…not to mention the obnoxious, floating dark castle over the bed of boiling lava…"

Ganondorf looked insulted. "That was the fashion back then."

"Then the Hero of Time emerged to defeat him," Smart Link cut in. "The seven sages of Hyrule banished him to the Twilight Realm, after killing him didn't work."

Pointing to the mark on his hand, Ganondorf said, "This is all I have keeping me alive at this point." Stupid Zelda looked disgusted.

"In any case," Smart Link went on, "the Sages didn't realize the Twilight world had a kingdom of its own, which Ganondorf promptly took over…"

"It was too easy," Ganondorf interjected. "Zant was so weak-minded. He threw a temper tantrum like Mr. Piggy when he got bumped out of line for the throne, and I just happened to show up in the middle of it."

Smart Link made a face. "I'll give you that much. It sure was a shock to fight that guy, since his reputation didn't match the real thing…"

"What'd he do?" Stupid Zelda asked.

"Laid siege to the castle, issued a surrender-or-die ultimatum, and basically submerged the entire country in a kind of evil magic half-light, that turned people into spirits," Ganondorf answered. "Oh, and the Zora wound up frozen again. Not sure why that always happens to them."

"And he turned me into a wolf!" Smart Link exclaimed.

Stupid Link and Zelda stared at him. "A wolf?"

Smart Link realized he had no Midna to demonstrate or explain this phenomenon. "I got better…" He changed the subject. "In any case, my friend Midna and I were just about to go in the castle ourselves, after _this_ guy, when I suddenly wound up here."

"So, wait a sec…" Stupid Zelda turned to Ganondorf. "You're _how old?_"

"Well over a hundred," he replied cordially.

"_Eeeeewww!_" she reined in her horse and moved back to Stupid Link's side.

Smart Link and Zelda stared at her. "You're more worried about his _age_ than all the evil stuff he did?" Smart Link asked incredulously.

"Works for me," said Ganondorf. "Whatever keeps her away from me."

-&-

"I take it this is the Dark Forest?" Smart Link asked.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Ganondorf demanded sarcastically. The trees resembled those of Mirkwood of Middle-Earth; dark green, oily, and set so close together that no sun penetrated the canopy. They could hear a far-off cacophony of monster noises, and several trees seemed to be draped in a hybrid of Spanish moss and green slime. A few Keese flew by for effect.

"Ugh. I bet there are spiders in there." Stupid Zelda shivered.

"You bet." Ganondorf munched an apple from his saddlebag. "Big, fleshy, man-eating spiders with hairy legs and drooling fangs…"

"_Eeeeeewwww!_"

"I'll take care of it!" Stupid Link drew his sword and charged into the woods. He held the sword like a handgun, and fired off a series of shots.

Smart Link scratched his head. "I didn't know a sword could do that."

Suddenly they heard Stupid Link yell in surprise, but it was too dark to see what was going on. Ganondorf squinted, then pitched his apple core into the woods. With a loud thud, a giant spider fell to the ground with its legs curled up, and Stupid Link fell on top of it. Stupid Zelda shrieked.

"That thing tried to eat me!" Stupid Link exclaimed, standing on shaky legs.

"Well, if you want to stay behind, you can. We're moving on," Smart Zelda said.

The two Stupid characters exchanged glances. "If you're going, we're going," Stupid Link declared.

The three otherworlders tried not to look disappointed by this.

-&-

The forest was so dark, Smart Link had to light his lantern for them to see. He traveled in the front, with Ganondorf holding a small flame at the back, guarding the rear of the group. Strange silence surrounded them, with no sign of more spiders. It wasn't long before Stupid Link began complaining that he was tired.

"I suppose we should make camp for the night," said Smart Link.

"Here?" Stupid Link demanded, suddenly awake.

"We might as well." Smart Zelda dismounted from her horse and began unpacking the bedroll.

Ganondorf set his little flame down among a circle of stones in a patch of dirt, then added firewood. "I'll take the first watch," he offered.

They all looked at him suspiciously.

"What?" he demanded. "I'm not going to do anything…though now that I think of it, I could stick Stupid Link's hand in warm water while he's sleeping…No, I'm kidding," he added as they edged away. "I haven't been able to sleep since the whole Twlilight banishment thing."

He gathered up rocks as the others lay down on their pallets, and practiced his marksmanship on the few evil creatures that had shown up once they stopped. "Floating eyeball, five points…Keese, ten points…"

He had not yet made it to fifty points when a horrible, rock-shattering, earth-shaking noise rent the air and sent the remainder of the creatures running for cover. The others jumped from their bedrolls, screaming, hands to their ears – save one. Stupid Link lay spread out, fast asleep, his mouth wide open.

"Is he _snoring?_" Smart Zelda demanded.

Stupid Zelda nudged him. Ganondorf kicked him, but to no effect. Ganondorf picked him up and carried him to a nearby pond, then threw him in.

"Wait for it," he said, as the other three anxiously watched bubbles rise to the surface. Finally Stupid Link emerged, gasping for air, and Ganondorf pulled him out. He brought the boy to his face, and said, "_You're_ taking the first watch. And all the ones after it, if you continue to snore like that."


	8. Sleeping on the Job

Smart Link and Zelda jolted awake, Stupid Zelda's screams piercing the air. She hung in the air by the claws of a three-headed dragon, Stupid Link held down by one of the creature's hind legs. As the two scrambled to get their weapons, one of the heads peered at Stupid Zelda. "My, my, what a lovely damsel. You look good enough to eat!"

Snorting awake, Ganondorf sat up in a towering temper. "Who woke me up?!" he demanded so loudly it drowned out Stupid Zelda's eardrum-shattering screams. He took in the scene at a glance and ran not toward the monster, but Stupid Link. "You brainless half-wit, _you fell asleep on watch!_" He grabbed Stupid Link's ankles and yanked hard as all of them, the dragon included, stared openly.

"Uh…excuse me," the left-side head of the dragon said, lifting one finger on his other hand. "I think you're supposed to…"

Ganondorf socked the head. "Stay out of this, you overblown tapeworm."

"'Tapeworm', is it?" All three heads breathed fire on the warlord. Stupid Zelda screamed again.

The flames scattered with a swipe of his hand. "No sleep for _years_, and when I finally get some, the holder of the Triforce of Stupid falls asleep so all the runts and rabble can just walk into our camp!" The air around the group tingled with electricity, and Ganondorf seemed to swell with both rage and power. "I've had _enough_ of this crazy place. You're just a pale imitation of the weakest of creatures I have at my command."

"I had a feeling he was going to lose his temper sometime," Smart Zelda muttered, edging away.

"Everybody get back!" Smart Link yelled, pulling Zelda behind him.

"_Feel the fiery wrath of pure malevolent darkness!"_ Ganondorf unleashed a giant fireball that lit up the countryside for miles and set fire to the trees around them for a thirty-foot radius. The dragon squealed in agony, then disappeared. Stupid Link and Zelda, clothes afire, ran for the pond and jumped in.

"_Now_," Ganondorf said in a voice that shook the ground, surrounded by a nimbus of pure energy. "_Where's that lazy, good-for-nothing idiot?_"

Stupid Link squeaked in fear and dove under the water. Stupid Zelda scrambled out of the pond and ran to the side of the others.

"_Aha!!!!_" Looking every inch like the King of Darkness, Ganondorf waded into the pond, Stupid Link scuttling out of the water and climbing a tree like a squirrel.

"What do we do?" Stupid Zelda demanded of the other two.

"I'm…not…sure…" Smart Link said as Ganondorf grasped the tree and shook it.

Smart Zelda glanced upward. "This whole forest is going to go up in flames…"

Stupid Zelda waved her hand dismissively. "I know enough magic to fix that. Don't let him hurt Link!" She ran off.

"_Come down and fight like a man, you coward!!!_" Ganondorf roared.

"No way, baldy!" Stupid Link yelped in a high squeak. Ganondorf shook the tree harder, Stupid Link grasping the branches for dear life.

Smart Zelda notched a Light Arrow to her bow and released it. It struck Ganondorf in the back and unleashed shocks of electricity. "_Owww!_" He pulled the arrow out of his back and gave the pair an irritated look, the aura of energy subsiding somewhat. "What was that for?"

"Get a grip!" Smart Link shouted at him. "He's not worth it!"

Ganondorf craned his neck up at the shivering figure in the branches. "I suppose not…come down here, you dimwit. I won't do anything."

"No way!" Stupid Link yelled.

They could feel the air around them tense as Ganondorf's voice sharpened. "Get _down_, you fool, so we can _walk_ to the temple, now that our horses have run off in the commotion!"

Smart Zelda touched his arm. "I'll get him down." She turned to Stupid Link. "Come on, nothing's going to happen. Climb back down and we'll just keep going."

Stupid Zelda, finished extinguishing the flames, yelled over. "C'mon, you're holding us up!"

Stupid Link began edging his way downward, then realized he was stuck. "Uh…I don't think I can…"

"_I'll_ get him down." Ganondorf backed up.

"No fire!" Smart Link insisted.

"No fire." Crouching, the warlord shifted form and turned into a gigantic boar.

Stupid Zelda stared. "Uh, how does this help get…"

Before she could finish, Ganondorf dug his heels into the ground and charged the tree. He slammed into it hard, sending the huge oak toppling over.

"Oh no!" Stupid Zelda ran to the upper branches, where Stupid Link lay sprawled on the ground. "Speak to me!"

"He's faking," Ganondorf grumbled, brushing himself off, now back in human form. "Kiss him and he'll be all better."

Scowling at him, Stupid Zelda turned back to Stupid Link, as their counterparts watched him anxiously.

"C'mon, do it," Ganondorf urged. "Maybe he'll shut up for the rest of the trip. As a matter of fact, next time he opens his mouth, give him a big, long, wet kiss."

Glancing around her, Stupid Zelda insisted, "I can't do it with all of you _watching_."

All three of the others uttered simultaneous sighs as they turned around. After a few moments, they heard scuffling, then a sharp slap. Apparently Stupid Link didn't want to let go. "Woooowww…that was so nice, why can't you do that more often?" he asked.

"Are we done here? Can we go now?" Ganondorf folded his arms.

"Are we anywhere near the temple?" Smart Link asked.

"It's maybe three hours' walk that way," Stupid Link pointed.

"Well, there's nothing else for it," Smart Zelda sighed. "It's not like we'll get any more sleep tonight anyway."

-&-

"This is it?" Smart Link demanded, one eyebrow up as he examined the cracked marble entrance.

"Well, most of it is underground," Stupid Link explained.

"I don't care. Let's go." Ganondorf pushed them both aside and entered.

They walked into a wide entryway, surrounded on both sides by a line of marble knight statues. "Don't touch the statues," Stupid Link warned.

"Why?" Stupid Zelda demanded, leaning against one to get a better look. The statue flashed once, then came to life, the simple marble replaced with red armor and a flowing cape.

"That's why!" Stupid Link exclaimed as he dodged a blow from the knight, bumping into another statue and activating it.

"Stop moving, you morons!" Ganondorf yelled, but it was too late. The five of them dodged, rolled, and hefted their weapons as the air around them was suddenly filled with the swings of giant bonebreaker swords.

"Now would be a good time for a fireball!" Stupid Link yelled to Ganondorf as he blocked an attack with his shield.

"No!" Smart Zelda yelled. "It's too tight in here…we'll all burn!"

"Just give me a minute…" Smart Link panted as he parried a thrust and eliminated one of the knights. "I can handle this…"

"I know _you_ can, I don't know about the others," Ganondorf muttered as one of the knights sent Stupid Link flying over his head.

Finally the two Stupid Ones hid behind the other three as they battled the magic knights, eventually cutting down each one. A smattering of items lay on the ground.

"Cool! Life potion!" Stupid Link exclaimed, running up to a small vial and downing its contents.

"You're welcome," Smart Link grumbled.

"I found a key!" Stupid Zelda held it up.

"Good for you. C'mon, let's pick up the pace. No more distractions." Ganondorf turned and walked down the hallway.

They passed through a door and entered a huge chamber, with a thin stone bridge and a lake of boiling lava in front of them, a few small rocks sticking up from the lava. Smart Link looked around him suspiciously. "There's nothing to fight in here."

"Good. Easier for us," said Stupid Link, and walked out onto the bridge.

Upon reaching the middle of the bridge, the little group heard a rumbling behind them, and turned to see the bridge begin to disintegrate. They sprinted over to the other side, but Stupid Zelda and Ganondorf fell to the stones below before they could reach the other side.

"Zelda!!! Are you all right?" Stupid Link demanded. "I'll save you!"

Smart Link held him back. "There's only room for one person on those rocks."

Ganondorf jumped rather clumsily to the side of the room, joining the others. "My _back_," he exclaimed, the others hearing a distinct cracking sound as he bent over.

"Come on!" Smart Zelda yelled to Stupid Zelda.

Stupid Zelda stared, transfixed, at the bubbling lava inches from her feet. "I…I don't think I can…"

"I'll take care of this." Ganondorf cupped his hands over his mouth and leaned toward her. "HEY, ZELDA! MOVE YOUR FAT BUTT!"

She came flying at him. "How dare you call me fat!"

"Yeah, whatever. You're here now, right? Let's move on."

In the next chamber there was only a simple platform, over which a thin ray of light illuminated…a golden toilet plunger.

"It's the Good Plot Device!" Stupid Link exclaimed, running toward it.

"No, wait!" Smart Link yelled after him. "It's too early in the dungeon to find something like this!"

Too late. A door slammed down behind the little group and the Plot Device disappeared. In its place Ganon emerged, with a maniacal laugh that ended in a fit of coughing. "Fools! Now you will suffer at the hands of my most brilliant plan."

"Okay, sure," Ganondorf muttered. "C'mon, we don't have all day."

Ganon looked crestfallen. "Don't you want to know what my brilliant plan is?"

"No, not really," Smart Link answered.

"You really shouldn't announce your plan and describe it to the people you're trying to destroy," Smart Zelda informed him.

"Oh, fine! I'll just give you a hint then," Ganon grumbled. "I'm going to do _stuff_…that's really _scary_…"

Stupid Link gasped with horror. "You're going to cast us into a dark hallucination where each of us must be faced with our darkest fears?"

Ganondorf chuckled. "Yeah, I'd like to see him pull _that_ off."

"Curse you, Link!" Ganon screeched. "How did you know?! Well, it doesn't matter, because now you will be tormented by a dark netherworld from which you will never awaken!"

He swung his fist with a flourish, the floor opened up under them, and the little group disappeared into the dark void.


	9. Your Worst Nightmare, Only Funnier

**Before I start, I'd like to thank everyone who has read and reviewed so far. I've never had anyone enjoy my attempts at being funny before, so I really appreciate it. Another story will follow this one, which will also feature (Smart) Link and Zelda, as well as Sarcastic Ganondorf.**

Ganondorf floundered in the darkness. For some reason his magic refused to work, and though he liked dark places, he also liked being able to see where he was going. He couldn't even see his hand in front of his face, and he couldn't hear any of the others.

"_Ow!_" He smacked face-first in front of a wall, but could feel it give slightly. He balled his fist and in a fit of temper punched the wall. Squinting against the light blinding him from the outside, he tore the wall open and stepped into a large bedroom in Hyrule Castle…the stupid one.

"How in Din's name did I get _here?_" He asked no one in particular.

"Dearest!" he heard Stupid Zelda's voice come from the other side of a door at the end of the room. Before he could say anything, she opened the door and stepped inside, wearing a long white dress and veil, and accompanied by the King. "For goodness' sake…the wedding's going to start soon, and you're still in your pajamas!"

"What?" Ganondorf looked down at himself.

Yellow ducky pajamas. With fluffy bedroom slippers.

He stood silently for several moments, then muttered, "Well, I have to give Mr. Piggy credit. This _is_ pretty scary."

"Hurry up and get dressed!" the King urged, pointing to a large tuxedo complete with bow tie.

"No. Where are my real clothes?" Ganondorf demanded, yanking open an armoire.

"Just be a good boy and put on the tux, okay? It's just for today," Stupid Zelda urged.

His temper rising again, Ganondorf stood in the middle of the room with fists clenched. "All right, if this is one of Mr. Piggy's hallucinations, it shouldn't matter if I completely reduce this place to dust."

"Hurry _up_," Stupid Zelda whined, stomping her foot. "The caterers are only going to stay so long, and everybody's waiting, and when we dance…"

With a roar, Ganondorf unleashed a massive amount of dark energy, swallowing everything within fifty feet of him. The hallucination shattered like glass, and he found himself standing on what looked like an abandoned stage. Still wearing the pajamas.

_I don't care _what_ Zelda says_, he thought to himself. _Once I find that pig, I'm gonna have me a barbeque roast…_

He heard yells and panting off to his left. To his surprise, he watched Smart Link come barreling down a corridor of many, many doors. Smart Link's tunic had been ripped, burnt, and torn, and he appeared to have scratch marks all over his face.

Smart Link stopped short when he caught sight of Ganondorf, then grimaced and raised his hands. "Jeez, Ganondorf…that outfit leaves nothing to the imagination…"

The warlord frowned like a thundercloud. "I didn't choose this, as I'm sure you didn't choose what happened to you…uh, you've still got a little flame on your back there…"

Link slapped it out, scowling. "I got attacked by a mess of Cuccos who threw me into boiling lava. Sound familiar?"

"Yeah. Not only is Mr. Piggy stupid, he's unoriginal too. But how in Hyrule did he know what we were talking about?"

"_I CAN SEE ALL!!!" _A reverberating voice echoed throughout the hallway. "Fear me, for I am Ganon, holder of the Triforce of Power! You have scorned me, and now you will suffer the consequences. I am here beside you! I am everywhere at once!"

Ganondorf squinted at the walls and ceiling. "What do you want to bet that he's got one of those magic crystal balls…"

"Oh yeah, I know what you mean…" Link smiled slightly. "The kind that somehow always points toward the hero, so the hero can mock him no matter what way he's facing?"

The two grinned at each other in a rare moment of solidarity, then launched into a series of grotesque faces and taunts.

"Hey! HEY!!" Ganon's whiny voice sounded even sillier with the reverb. "You don't taunt me…I taunt you! Stop that! Stoppit!"

A door at the end of the hallway opened, and Smart Zelda stepped out, slamming it behind her. _"Finally."_ She stared at the pair pulling faces. "What _are_ you two doing?"

They stopped short, embarrassed. "Just giving Ganon a taste of his own medicine," Smart Link told her.

"You look unscathed," Ganondorf noted. "Did he forget about you or something?"

"No, it just wasn't very scary," she answered. "My hallucination was that he took over Hyrule…but he doesn't know our Hyrule, so he had to substitute his…and he isn't very scary himself either…"

"I am SOscary!" the reverb voice snapped. "Ganondorf said so!"

Zelda looked at Ganondorf's jammies. "I can see why he said that. Well, I suppose you could call it scary if you're being sarcastic…the Moblins got all the best government jobs, Ganon had a big gold statue of himself that rotated to face the sun…"

"We get the idea." Ganondorf stepped up to one of the doors. "I suppose the others have to be inside one of these?" He opened it and a banana cream pie smacked him in the face.

The other two watched uneasily as he wiped it off his face, the angry aura growing again. "Okay, you two, you need to help me, because if I don't get out of here real soon, I'm gonna make this whole place go _boom_…"

-&-

"Zelda! Zeldaaaa! Other Link! Where are you?" Stupid Link ran around yelling in the dark (with the occasional "Ganondorf!" thrown in).

Spryte popped out of his hat. "C'mon, there has to be a way out of here. I'll light the way!"

He ran forward with Spryte in front of him, but all she illuminated was more emptiness. Finally, they reached a door. Stupid Link opened it, and found himself in one of the lower corridors of Hyrule Castle. "Hey, we're home! I wonder where the others are?"

The two of them raced through the halls. Finally they saw the King standing in the main front chamber of the castle. "Ah, you're here! You're just in time. We can't start the crowning of the new Prince of Hyrule without you!"

"Oh? Well, of course not!" Stupid Link swelled with pride. "I knew he'd come to his senses someday," he added as an aside to Spryte.

"Uh, Link…" Spryte began.

"The ceremony's about to start," the King informed them. "Go up to the small room next to the throne room and get dressed."

Link raced up the stairs. Once inside the dressing room, he picked up a very frilly looking man's collar, pants, and suit. "You'd think they'd provide something a little more manly for Hyrule's greatest hero."

Spryte examined it a little closer. "Link, I don't think…"

"It's just for one day." He cut her off and changed clothes, then marched out the door.

The King caught him by the arm. "Whoa, there, young man. You can't go in there without this!" He pushed a golden crown on a pillow toward Link.

"Uh, you want me to put it on in here? Well, okay…" He reached out and started to pick it up. To his surprise, the King slapped his hand. "Boy, what do you think you're doing? Carry it in there, and for Hyrule's sake, don't drop it."

"Huh?" Stupid Link stared at him for a full minute, until the King physically turned him around and shoved him onto the throne room.

Trumpets blared, and Stupid Link walked unsteadily down the red carpet toward the two thrones. Stupid Zelda sat in one, decked out in regal finery. In the other sat another young man around Link's age…but he was taller, more physically fit, and…dare he say it…more handsome?"

"What's going _on_?" he hissed to Spryte.

"I don't know…let's ask Zelda…"

Stupid Link stopped at the bottom of the pedestal. "Zelda, what's going on? What's that dork doing in my seat?"

She scowled at him. "Watch how you address the Prince of Hyrule!"

Stupid Link's bottom lip trembled. "But…but…I thought I…"

"_You?_" Both Stupid Zelda and Handsome Guy laughed. "C'mon…you really thought…ha ha ha!"

Stupid Link fell to his knees, throwing down the crown and raising his hands to the ceiling. "NOOOO!!!!"

Suddenly he felt movement beneath him. He leaped aside and a trapdoor opened where he had just been standing. Ganondorf poked his head out of the floor. "I thought I heard something." He looked up at Stupid Link. "Get your butt down here and help us find Stupid Zelda."

Stupid Link looked around wildly. "You mean, none of this is real?"

Ganondorf put his hand to his temple in a show of pathos. "You've got a five-second memory, don't you? Just get down here."

He jumped down with Spryte on his shoulder and stared at the others in the hallway. "Wow…I'm afraid to ask…"

"Don't," said Ganondorf.

Smart Link motioned to his left. "I think this is the last door to check." Wailing and crying drifted softly from inside the door. Smart Link looked inside. "Uh…I think it's Stupid Zelda, but she looks…different…"

Stupid Zelda stood in a small room devoid of any furniture save for a mirror, crying profusely. She wore the same clothes, but except for that, her appearance had changed to that of a middle-aged Gerudo woman.

Ganondorf stared at her with an inexplicable expression. "Weird. She looks like my mother."

Hearing voices, Stupid Zelda turned around. "Don't look at me!" she screeched. "I'm _hideous!_"

Ganondorf stiffened, and Smart Link and Zelda instinctively moved away. "Did you just insult my mother?"

Stupid Link waved his hands in a frenzy. "She's upset, she doesn't know what she's saying." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Zelda, listen…no matter what you look like, you'll always be beautiful to me."

She sniffed. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

She broke down crying on his shoulder. _Darn,_ he thought. _I thought for sure that would lead to a kiss_.

Smart Zelda cleared her throat. "Now that we're all together again, we should see if we can get out of here, so we can find Ganon and the Good Plot Device."

"Right!" Stupid Link drew his sword and rushed out of the room. "Onward!" He raced down the hall before slowing and turning around. "Uh, which way is out?"

Smart Link and Zelda sighed in unison. Ganondorf glanced around. "Smart Zelda, if you can create a shield to protect the others, I'll see if I can blast us out of here."

Zelda nodded, and the others huddled around her. She summoned the power of Nayru and surrounded them a blue protective light.

Ganondorf concentrated, channeling his rage and frustration in a corner of his mind. When the glowing ball of malevolent energy reached its peak, he let loose.

They all coughed and sputtered in the resulting dust cloud. As the debris cleared, they immediately saw results; all of them wore their normal clothes once more.

"I guess we're still in the temple somewhere," said Smart Link. "All we can do is keep going."

"Where do you suppose Ganon is?" Smart Zelda asked.

"Where he always is…at the end of the dungeon!" Stupid Link ran forward, the others following close behind.


	10. Victory!

"Stop running off!" Ganondorf yelled at Stupid Link, who darted down a side passage far ahead of them.

"We should stay together!" Smart Zelda shouted.

"Yeah, we saw what happened when we didn't," Smart Link muttered.

"Hey, I'm a _professional_," Stupid Link yelled back. "I've got everything under…AAAAHHH!"

"Professional idiot," Ganondorf muttered, not changing his pace as the rest of the group ran to find out what new trouble Stupid Link had gotten into.

He finally rounded the bend to see the little company struggling to pull Stupid Link from the web of a giant spider (the spider lying dead with one of Smart Zelda's arrows in its head), except for Stupid Zelda who stood in a corner shaking off a bit of webbing on her hand. "EEEWWW!" she shrieked.

Ganondorf crossed his arms and laughed. "I wish I had one of those picto-box things," he managed to say after a few minutes. "This would make a great picture to show the folks back home, when they ask how I spent my vacation."

"You have folks?" Smart Link demanded as he tugged at Stupid Link's ankle.

"Not really. I can't exactly call this a vacation, either. But you have to admit it's a funny thought." He grasped Stupid Link's tunic and gave it a good yank.

"OOOWWW!" Stupid Link shrieked like a little girl and clutched at his head. A fist-sized patch of hair remained stuck to the webbing. "Look what you did!"

"You're young. It'll grow back," Ganondorf grunted.

"How dare you ruin my handsome visage!"

"Look, either _shut up_ or I'll add a broken nose and punch out some teeth." He pointed to Smart Link. "You're the only really experienced adventurer here…which way should we go?"

Ignoring Stupid Link's resentful grumbling, Smart Link answered, "I'm not sure. We don't have a map…and there's not really any way to tell which route is the right one."

"Why don't I go on ahead for a bit?" Spryte offered. "I can take a quick look both ways."

"Now that's the first good idea I've heard in a while," Ganondorf told her appreciatively. "But aren't you afraid of getting stuck in the spiderwebs? Give me a second and I'll clear it for you." He unleashed a fireball into the room full of spiders and reduced them all to cinders.

Stupid Zelda gawked. "Why don't we just do that in every room?"

"We have limited strength here," Smart Zelda informed her. "That was a good way to get rid of the spiders – we'd take forever fighting each one and dodging the webs – but he can't do that in every room."

"I'll be right back." Spryte zipped off through the torched room.

They waited. After a few minutes, she came flying back. "There's six rooms, with a total of fourteen dark knights, eight steel traps, one pit of lava, twenty-three Moblins, a hidden trapdoor, and a treasure chest in the farthest room."

Smart Link stared. "You remembered all that?"

"Now I'll do the other passage!" She zipped off once again.

Staring after her, Smart Link said, "Well, at least the fairies here are smarter than they are back home."

After a few more minutes she returned, breathless. "There's a locked door on the other end, after more dark knights, two lava pools…"

"Okay, we get it." Smart Link frowned. "I'm pretty sure the treasure chest in the rooms in front of us opens the locked door."

Stupid Link sighed. "Isn't that the way it always is?"

"D'you expect Ganon to keep the key on a hook outside his door?" Ganondorf demanded. "At least he's not _that_ stupid. Let's make this quick. I'll go get the key, the rest of you can work your way through the other passage and meet me at the door."

"Will you be okay by yourself?" Spryte asked in all sincerity.

Smart Link and Zelda snickered as Ganondorf rolled his eyes. "Goodness, whatever will I, the King of Darkness, do without my trusty companions in a mildly threatening Technicolor dungeon?" He shook his head and started off.

Stupid Link regained his cockiness the minute Ganondorf disappeared. "Onward!" he shouted, sprinting off with the others following behind.

Stupid Zelda touched Smart Zelda on the shoulder as they ran. "Are you sure it's safe for _us_ to leave him alone? What if he decides to ally with Ganon?"

Smart Zelda shook her head. "We can trust Ganondorf to act in his own best interest…which is to get home as quickly as possible. He's not doing this to be nice…though it certainly would be easier on all of us if he was," she sighed.

"Die, monstrosity!" Stupid Link yelled, zapping a dark knight, then glancing over his shoulder. "Awww, Zelda, you weren't _watching_."

"Okay, I'm watching," Stupid Zelda said as she waved him on. "Go ahead."

Smart Link stepped in to help him, but Stupid Link elbowed him out of the way. "I can do it _myself_," he insisted like a toddler.

Smart Zelda knocked off a few of the knights with her arrows when he wasn't looking. The doors opened, and the little group ran to the next room, where a pit of lava awaited them.

"How the heck are we supposed to get to the other end?" Stupid Link demanded. Solid ground lay a good thirty feet away from them.

Smart Link dug into his pack. "I have my Hookshot from back home."

"What's that?"

"It's like a grappling hook, sort of. I can attach it to the high torch on the other side over the door, and bring one of you with me, back and forth."

Stupid Zelda peered anxiously at the bubbling lava below. "Are you sure that will work?"

"Of course it will. Here, we'll demonstrate." He launched the hook and it gripped the torch holder at the far end. Smart Zelda wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held his other arm around her waist. He flicked a switch, and the mechanism in the glove portion rolled up the chain, launching them across.

"Wow…" Stupid Zelda said wistfully as Stupid Link scowled.

Smart Link launched himself back over to the other side, using the torch holder on the opposite end. "Okay, who's next?"

"Ooh! Pick me!" Stupid Zelda threw her arms around him, and Stupid Link turned green as Smart Link wrapped his arm around her. Not that Smart Link noticed, or had any reason to care.

As Smart Link swung back, Stupid Link demanded to be given the device. "I can do this much better than you can," he insisted.

Smart Link frowned. "It doesn't really matter, and we're kind of in a hurry…"

"Gimme!!"

Smart Link sighed and handed the Hookshot over. "Here, this is the trigger to set it off, and clicking it this way pulls it back…"

Stupid Link grabbed his hand and thrust out his arm toward the torch. "Onetwothree GO!"

Smart Link yelped as the pull of the device yanked him off his feet and nearly tore his arm out of its socket. He flew through the air and landed hard on the other side. As Smart Zelda helped him up, Stupid Zelda scowled at his double, hanging halfway down the wall. "Get down here!" she snapped.

Stupid Link looked at the device, then at her. "…I think my hand is stuck…"

-&-

"Crunchy, crunchy," Ganondorf muttered as he floored a dark knight with one well-placed punch. His mood had lifted ever so slightly, no longer forced to hear the voices of his adversaries and the Stupid Ones, who had frayed his nerves into splinters.

All too soon he came to the room with the treasure chest, and groaned inwardly as he thought of returning to the others. _Almost done…almost done…please let it be almost done…_

He stepped up to the chest, and reached out to open it. His hand passed right through.

"What the…?" He spun around and took one step in the opposite direction, before he fell through a trapdoor for the second time that day.

He hit the floor, picked himself up and took a good look round. His view obscured by some kind of red energy bars all around him, he saw Ganon standing a few feet away, laughing at him. "At last! I have captured the keeper of the deepest evil and the darkest power! Now Hyrule will be mine!" He launched into diabolical hysterics.

Ganondorf slowly eased out the thin crown woven into his hair, as Ganon began monologuing. "Now you are my prisoner here, and I will harness your dark power for my own devices! You should have joined me when you had the chance! For so long I have been forced to live in that pathetic cave, but now I will take over the kingdom and…what are you doing?"

Having bent the crown into a straight line, Ganondorf flicked it at the bars. It touched three at once, throwing off sparks and short-circuiting the machine. The bars disappeared and Ganondorf stepped casually down next to Ganon, kicking the warped metal crown aside, a wide nasty grin on his face. "You were saying…?"

Ganon cringed, picked up a plate on a small table, and held it out. "Doughnut….?"

-&-

"Where is he?" Smart Link muttered. "It's been a good half-hour at least."

He and the rest of the group stood at the locked door, waiting for Ganondorf to arrive with the key. "Maybe he's hurt?" Spryte asked.

"Maybe he deserted us?" Stupid Link snapped.

"Do you guys hear something?" Stupid Zelda demanded.

"Like what?" Stupid Link asked.

"Like…yelling…"

"I hear it." Smart Zelda pressed her ear against the door. She heard a yell, an 'oof', and then another yell.

"Me too." Smart Link scratched his head. "What the heck is going on in there?"

"I wonder…" Smart Zelda pounded on the door.

To their great surprise, Ganondorf opened it, a happy smile on his face. "Hey."

"You were in there this whole time?!" Smart Link demanded. "Why didn't you just open the door?"

"I got distracted."

Smart Zelda noticed he held one arm up as if carrying a spell. She looked in the direction of his hand and saw Ganon plastered against one wall.

Ganondor followed her gaze and said, "You want a turn?" He waved his hand and sent Ganon flying into the opposite wall.

"_No_," Smart Zelda snapped. "Put him down."

"Oh, stop being so straight-laced, Princess. What about you?" Ganondorf turned to Smart Link.

"Uh…I'll pass…"

"C'mon. You know you want to…"

Smart Link wavered. "Well…"

Stupid Link swaggered in and faced Ganon, hands on hips. "Where is the Good Plot Device?"

Panting, Ganon replied, "I don't know…any…Good Plot Device…"

"Idiot, you made an imitation of it in this same dungeon," Ganondorf snapped. "At least come up with a decent excuse if you refuse to talk."

"Let's just search for it," Smart Link said. "It has to be in here somewhere." The little group split up and scoured the large room, except for Ganondorf, who hummed circus music as he sent Ganon flying around the room.

"Found it!" Stupid Zelda raised her hand in triumph for everyone to see. "It was in a box labeled 'Good Plot Device'."

"Excellent." Ganondorf flicked his hand and Ganon fell to the ground with a yelp. "Do we need Mr. Piggy's Triforce piece, or will the one in the castle suffice?" he asked Smart Zelda.

"Well…" Smart Zelda examined it. "I think as long as we have a good plot device, it doesn't matter which one we use."

"Thank goodness." Smart Link wiped his forehead. "Let's get that thing there, maybe grab a bite to eat, and then finally go home."


	11. The End, Or IS IT?

"Haha!" Stupid Link exclaimed, holding the Good Plot Device aloft. "Sorry, Ganon, but…uh…" He paused with the object still in the air. "Darn it, I can't think of a snappy phrase."

"Don't hurt yourself." Ganondorf snatched it from him. "Gimme that. You'll probably break it, or lose it."

"Hey! That's mine!" Stupid Link whined, grabbing at it.

"Oh? And just how did you contribute to this expedition, besides giving us all headaches?" Ganondorf demanded, holding it just out of reach.

"Enough," Smart Zelda snapped. "Let's just get out of here."

Once out of the temple, Stupid Link's stomach growled audibly. Stupid Zelda stared at him in disgust, then admitted, "You know, I'm kind of hungry too."

"Me too!" Spryte agreed. "There's a town just to our west. We can eat there."

Smart Link and Zelda looked at each other, nodded, and then turned to Ganondorf. "There's food at home," he grumbled. "Why stay here any longer than we have to?"

"We might be able to buy some horses in town, and that will get us back quicker," Smart Zelda pointed out.

"_Fine_," Ganondorf snapped. "But if anything goes wrong, I'm holding all of you responsible."

The town was only an hour's walk away. Once inside, Ganondorf announced, "I'm going to find us some transportation. You can eat or whatever you want, I'm not interested, and frankly I'm tired of dealing with all of you." He stomped off, drawing open-jawed stares from the townsfolk as they gaped at the tall, ominous-looking dark warlord.

Spryte watched him wistfully. "I wonder what we did to make him so mad."

Smart Link sighed. "Don't lose sleep over it. Frankly, if he was a polite and courteous evil villain, I'd be more afraid of him."

Ganondorf made his way through the town, the people scattering before him. Upon finding a stable, he announced to the shocked owner, "I want to buy five horses. Make that four horses and a donkey." He snickered at the thought of Stupid Link fussing astride a stubborn mule.

The owner shut his open mouth and said, "All right…I have enough horses for you…it'll cost 4,000 rupees."

Ganondorf was at a loss. He never carried money with him; if he wanted something, he either stole it or killed for it. Of course, he knew the others would complain if he did this, and he'd had all the whining he could take. He slapped his pockets a few times, looking for something he could barter, but doubted anything he could part with would add up to 4,000 rupees. "Er…one minute. I'll be right back." He rushed off to find the two Zeldas, figuring a Princess had to have a decent supply of cash, and ignored the insulting mutterings coming from the owner.

He ran through the streets and arrived where he had started, looking around for any sign of an inn or tavern or anyplace else food could be found. He didn't need to search far. Chaos unfolded in a street to his far left, screaming people doused in water and ale running around with Cuccos pecking at their heads. He caught sight of Smart Link and Zelda and approached them; Smart Link had scratches all over his face, and Smart Zelda looked as if she had taken a bath, clothes and all, in red wine.

Ganondorf scowled at them. "I leave you alone for two minutes and all hell breaks loose?"

The two pointed as one toward a tavern, its occupants yammering as they ran out the door. "Stupid Link…"

"Yeah, yeah, I figured as much. I found some horses…grab that doofus and his girlfriend, and let's go."

They left the town astride their new horses, with Stupid Link bound and gagged atop a barrel-bellied mule. Spryte comforted him as he struggled and made indignant grunts. "It's okay, we'll be home soon."

They had just come within sight of the castle gates when cheers erupted from the battlements and ticker-tape rained down on them. "What on earth?" Smart Link wondered aloud. "How did they know we were coming?"

"Oh, this always happens," Stupid Zelda said dismissively.

The two Smart Hylians exchanged puzzled glances, deciding it was best to say nothing.

As they entered the courtyard, the King greeted them. "Welcome back, heroic adventurers! This calls for a grand feast!"

"_No_." Ganondorf ignored the King's shocked look and leaped down from his horse, Good Plot Device in hand. He grabbed Smart Link and Smart Zelda by their collars and hauled them up the castle stairs. "Let's hurry up and get this over with."

"Wait for me!" Stupid Zelda yelled, jumping off her horse and following them, Spryte in hot pursuit.

Stupid Link stared for a moment, then struggled wildly, still tied to the mule. "_Mmmmffff!"_

-&-

Ganondorf handed the Good Plot Device to Smart Zelda, who stuck it up against the side of the Triforce of Wisdom. She folded her hands and concentrated, the mark of the Triforce lighting up on her own hand.

Stupid Zelda stood uncertainly in the doorway and waved. "Uh…it was nice meeting all of you…come again sometime?"

Just before the three of them disappeared, Ganondorf turned to her with a grotesque scowl. "Not on your life."

And they were gone. Both Stupid Zelda and Spryte sighed, then turned to leave.

Stupid Link ran pell-mell up the stairs, almost slamming into both of them. "Wait, Smart Zelda! How about a kiss goodbye!"

Stupid Zelda stuck out her tongue at him. "They're gone, Link."

Stupid Link's shoulder slumped as he stared at the empty room. "Awwww…"

-&-

In the semi-dark confines of his Technicolor dungeon, a very battered and sore Ganon cackled softly as he fingered the broken remains of the Evil Plot Device he had stolen from Ganondorf. "Fools…if I can't bring you to my world…I'll take over _yours!_ MWAHAHAHAHAHA (cough) HAHAHAHAAAAA!"

**The End…or IS IT?!**

-&-

-&-

Author's Note: Sorry this is so short, I agonized for a month over how to end this. In any case, Smart Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf will return in "Are Those Your Real Ears?". In addition, if I can ever get my copy of "Twilight Princess" back from a friend, I may write an additional sequel where the Stupid Ones come the TP world. Expect much Midna agony. ;-)


End file.
